Removing Yourself from Your Child’s Sleep Routine

So, maybe a slightly misleading title because obviously you will not remove yourself altogether! Even if you could say, “alright it’s getting close to bedtime! Go take a bath, brush your teeth, read a book, and tuck yourself in. I’ll be out here watching The Bachelor with a glass of wine if you need anything.”

Even if we could pull that off in the early years, I don’t know many mamas that would want to remove themselves from the routine (except maybe the occasional night away).

Honestly, I love putting my girls to bed. Watching them play in the tub, getting cozy in their jammies, cuddling with a story and singing a few songs…I wouldn’t trade that for all the wine and reality TV in the world!

But the issue that I see with families whose child won’t sleep through the night takes place after their child gets into bed. More specifically, the issue stems from parents laying in bed with their little one to get them to fall asleep. Here’s how this contributes to night wakings…

When you crawl into bed with your child, they will almost always want to cuddle up close! Even if they barely touch you, they rely on the feeling of you close in order to soothe themselves to sleep.

The problem is that, just like us, babies and children have cycles of light and deep sleep all night long. When adults come to the surface, we usually aren’t even aware and go right back to sleep because we are good at it! We know how to get back to sleep on our own. But if your child is used to falling asleep next to you knowing that they will find you during these wakes, what are they supposed to do when the wake up and you aren’t there anymore?

You guessed it, they cry.

They will cry until a parent shows up and gets back into bed so they can soothe themselves back to sleep with your presence.

This is why you’ll hear parents say things like, “my baby will only sleep with me next to her.” It’s not because they need reassurance that they are safe, or that your presence is that calming, it’s just part of their routine and expectation that they need to fall asleep.

So, what’s the solution here?

You can commit to co-sleeping so your child can find you every time they wake up, but since you are reading this, I’m going to assume you are looking for other suggestions! Late-night kicks in the face or no space to get your own rest usually causes parents enough discomfort that they need to rethink ways to solve their nighttime struggles.

The other solution is you can let them learn their own independent sleep skills that they can use anytime they wake up so they can fall back to sleep on their own.

That may sound too challenging, but honestly you may be surprised at how quickly your child can discover new strategies for getting to sleep by themselves. I’m all for gently encouraging and teaching your child gradually how to do this on their own. Cuddling a lovey, chewing on a blanket, or playing with their own fingers and toes can be effective ways to calm and transition into sleep. And the best part? They can do it anytime, day or night.