Does Sleep Training Affect Attachment?

Attachment almost always comes up when discussing sleep training. “Attachment parenting,” is a term used by Drs. William and Martha Sears and it refers to a specific parenting approach which advocates for baby-wearing, bed-sharing, breastfeeding on demand, responding immediately to a baby when fussing, and other methods.

The popularity of Dr. Sears’ book has created some confusion about this parenting approach and the actual scientific notion of attachment theory. It has led parents to the conclusion that they will damage the "attachment" between themselves and their baby by allowing the protesting that is almost always involved when helping your child learn to sleep independently. 

Attachment can be defined as “…a relationship in the service of a baby’s emotion regulations and exploration. It is the deep abiding confidence a baby has in the availability and responsiveness of the caregiver.” But, attachment parenting and attachment theory are in no way related to each other.

So what does secure attachment look like?

Children with a secure attachment to their primary caregiver feel safe expressing distress or discomfort. They will also confidently explore unknown areas as long as their caregiver is nearby. They will be distressed when this caregiver leaves and is enthusiastic when they come back.

Children with insecure attachments avoid their caregiver when distressed and minimize outward displays of negative emotion when they are present. The infant learns quickly that displays of distress cause negative emotions from their caregiver and therefore avoids showing them. 

Allan Schore, a developmental neuroscientist at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine defines attachment theory as, "essentially a theory of regulation."

"Insecure attachments aren't created just by a caregiver's inattention of missteps," he says. "They also come from a failure to repair ruptures. Maybe the caregiver is coming in too fast and needs to back off, or maybe the caregiver hasn't responded and needs to show the baby that she's there. Either way, repair is possible and it works. Stress is a part of life and what we're trying to do here is to set up a system by which the baby can learn how to cope with stress."

A study over a 35 year period showed that infants who met secure attachment criteria were more independent later in life, had better relationships with parents and siblings, had higher self-esteem, and displayed greater coping skills, social skills, and leadership skills than infants in other attachment categories.

So, that's what science says! But what does all this mean for you as a parent who desperately needs sleep and sanity for your family? If attachment parenting could be detrimental to the development of crucial life skills but traditional crying it out feels damaging as a parent, how do you find a middle ground to get everyone sleeping again?

I greatly understand and respect your concern for your child's well-being! When I work with families, we begin sleep training as gently as possibly and I'll encourage you to stay close, offer comfort, reassure them of your presence, and respond to their needs while they learn how to fall asleep independently. As a parent, I would never ask you to do anything that could damage your relationship with your child.

However, this is not to imply there will not be crying. I understand how difficult it can be to allow your baby to cry, even for short periods of time and even if you're right there! It's our natural instinct as a parent to prevent it and remedy the situation. The impulse to stop a baby's cry leads to soothing methods like nursing, rocking, offering a pacifier, etc. While these are highly effective strategies to stop crying, they frequently don't address the issue that caused your child to cry in the first place.

So if and when your baby cries, please respond to them! Check to make sure they're fed, comfortable, and have their basic needs met. If you feel that they are only crying because they are having trouble falling asleep, then you're well on your way to solving the problem by helping them learn how to get to sleep on their own.

Attachment is not determined by you constantly being by your child's side or rescuing them every time they are frustrated or challenged. Secure attachment forms through consistent, reliable parenting, with lots of reassurance that you will keep your child safe and protected. Every day will bring new opportunities to assure and comfort your little one, and I guarantee you that when everyone in the family is better rested, we're more patient, better engaged, and fully capable of providing the love and support that creates the true foundation of secure attachment.

To sum it all up, the only change you’ll see is how well your baby sleeps.