Keeping Your Toddler in Their Room

For many parents, teaching their baby to sleep through the night is life-changing. Ditching the anxiety around bedtime and the constant grogginess during the day from multiple night wakings made a huge difference for me! Waking every hour or two to a crying baby wasn’t just inconvenient anymore, it was absolutely draining and I honestly felt like I was close to a nervous breakdown.

So obviously, when I committed to sleep training and my daughter learned to sleep 10+ hours a night and mastered predictable naps, it felt like a true miracle.

But then, she grew. And learned to walk and talk. And before I knew it, she was switching from a crib to a big girl bed. This presented the opportunity to test boundaries and leave not only her bed now, but also her room! And you know how incredibly persistent toddlers can be while trying to get their way…

By this age, your child has probably learned some negotiating tactics. Toddlers are so smart and they quickly learn how to manipulate people and situations and I’m not saying this in a negative way! They are not conniving or do so maliciously, it’s just human nature. We test different behaviors, see what actions result, and if we see that it works to get us what we want, we tend to use that same strategy repeatedly.

So if asking to use the bathroom, or for one more glass of water brings mom back into the room, you bet they are likely to use that approach every time. This can be a soothing reminder for you as you’re walking them back to their bedroom for the 15th time since you started your favorite show or trying to enjoy some peaceful time with your partner.

Now, we know that yelling just makes everyone upset, and giving in will continue to encourage the same behavior, so how do we get our toddler to stay in their room without letting the situation escalate?

Consequences. Consequences are the key.

Now before jumping straight into implementing consequences for an unwanted behavior, it’s fair to always give them one warning. If your child comes looking for you, ask when they are not in their bed. Assuming the answer isn’t that they feel sick (which can be a ruse, but always address and check it out before calling it as such), then calmly but firmly tell them they’re not allowed out of their room until morning. Walk them back to bed, say goodnight with a quick hug & kiss, and let them know there will be a consequence if they leave their room again.

Hopefully that does the trick! But, it’s likely they will test the boundaries, especially if this behavior has already been going on for a while.

When they make another appearance outside of their room saying they forgot to tell you something, or that they can’t find their lovey (which is in their hands), it’s time to implement that consequence.

So here’s the big question, right? What is the consequence? I’ve had many parents tell me, “I know I need to teach him somehow, but I don’t want to do anything that will upset him.”

I completely understand this line of thinking. I don’t like my child being upset either! But really, what is a consequence if it’s not something unpleasant? How will it ever stop an unwanted behavior if it isn’t somehow disagreeable to them?

The short answer: it won’t. The trick is to find a balance between something that your child won’t care about and something that would really throw them into a tailspin. We are not looking to traumatize anyone here! We’re just looking for something they care enough about to put a stop to this unwanted behavior.

Knowing that each child is different and there is not a “one size fits all” solution here, I do have a simple trick that I have found to be quite effective in this situation and it’s as simple as closing the door.

That’s it! Close the bedroom door.

There is something about having the door closed all the way that toddlers really seem to dislike. And you don’t have to do it for long. Just one minute after the first offense, then bump it up by 30 seconds or so each time your child leaves their room that night.

Like I said, this is a form of consequence and if your toddler doesn’t like it, well, that’s kind of the point, right? So if they whine or cry a bit, you’ll have to ride it out. If they try to open the door, you’ll have to hold it closed. If they pitch a fit, let them but don’t give in. If you do, all you are teaching them is that if they protest loud/long/hard enough they’ll get their way, which will ultimately just make everything worse.

What if they already sleep with the door closed? Another effective strategy could be taking their lovey/blanket/or even nightlight away in the same time pattern as you would with the door-closing technique. A minute at first, then add 30 seconds as it happens again, etc. Before too long they should begin to recognize the negative consequences of leaving their room so they'll begin to stay in bed unless something is truly wrong. 

So now that they are staying in bed at bedtime, what about in the morning? If you are getting frequent visits at 5:30 AM asking if it's morning now, we really can't hold that against them at this age. They probably just woke up and truly have no idea if they can get up or not yet. 

If you are able, go pick out an Ok to Wake clock! There's lots of options on Amazon and they range from about $25-$50 usually. Money well spent! These awesome little guys use soft colored lights to signal when it's time to sleep and when it's time to get up. It's best to avoid blue lights as it simulates sunlight to our brains, making it harder to fall back asleep. We also use our Ok to Wake clock during nap/quiet time so don't worry, you can continue to get plenty of use out of it over the years.

These are just a few ideas to help and they may not work with every kiddo. I suggest trying a few different approaches until you find something that sticks, but what isn't optional is consistency. You absolutely have to stick to your boundaries once you've given a warning. At this age, your child may not be able to tie their shoes but they can sure spot an empty threat a mile away and will thoroughly test the boundaries to see if the same rules are in place night after night. 

Be patient, stay calm, but be firm and predictable. Once they realize you are not giving in, you can enjoy your peaceful evening full of snacks and your favorite show without being found. 

Sleep well!