8 Tips for Separation Anxiety
Raising children is a high-stakes job, and with social media and the abundance of information readily at our fingertips now, it’s common for parents to be overwhelmed with feelings of guilt or inadequacy. As a sleep consultant, I see this frequently from parents whose children aren’t sleeping well.
They often confess that they feel like they are doing something wrong. Something that seems to be a major contributor here is dealing with separation anxiety- that extremely challenging part of a baby’s life when they begin to completely lose it when Mama is not around.
The process from a child’s perspective seems to go something like this:
Realizes mama is not in the room
That means mama is somewhere else
I want to be with mama
That needs to happen now or I’ll raise all kinds of hell!
As your child is now losing it and making a huge ruckus, it brings back all that self-doubt and makes you think, “Am I doing something wrong?” After all, shouldn’t a well-adjusted baby feel somewhat safe if they are separated from the mom and dad for a little while? You may have a co-worker who told you her baby is perfectly happy when left with their babysitter, or another mom in your Facebook group mentioned how well her baby plays independently in her own room for huge chunks at a time.
Two big things to keep in mind here.
Never compare yourself or your baby to other moms and babies described in parenting groups or on social media. Like most of the content on there, these experiences are likely conveyed through the rosiest lens out there.
Separation anxiety is 100% normal, expected, AND a sign of healthy attachment between a child and their caregivers.
So what exactly is separation anxiety, and what can you do about it?
Separation anxiety begins when your child starts to realize that things continue to exist even when out of sight, typically around 6-8 months old. It’s the cognitive milestone known as “object permanence” and in other words, out of sight no longer means out of mind for your little one.
So as your little one is learning this, they realize that their favorite person in the entire world is not there, they are somewhere else. And wait a minute...if that’s the case, they might not be coming back!
It’s fascinating, but also a little heartbreaking for us as parents. This is a scary realization for a baby and the full-blown panic they show makes sense. The thought of a parent leaving and not coming home can cause anxiety in most adults, so you can hardly expect an infant to react casually.
So that’s what is happening in your baby’s brain when they start a sudden fit because you walked out of the room. It’s normal and it’s a sign that your little one has a secure attachment to their parent. Great!
But unfortunately that also means that leaving them with a babysitter or trying to drop them off at daycare can be an absolute horror show.
But what we really want to know, or at least what I really wanted to know when it happened with my baby, isn’t as much “What’s causing this?” It was more along the lines of “How do I prevent it?”
Well, the truth is, you probably wouldn’t want to if you could. I mean, wouldn’t you be just a little devastated if you left your child with a stranger and they were just completely OK with it? “Bye Mommy! See you at dinner! Don’t worry about me. You guys have fun!”
That might end up being significantly more troubling than some tears and howling.
But we obviously want to keep things somewhere in the middle here, and if you’re struggling with a baby who’s pitching an absolute fit every time you try to run an errand or heck, just leave the room, I’ve got some suggestions to take the edge off until this phase runs its course.
Lead by Example
Your little one follows your cues, so if you’re not willing to let her out of your sight, she may feel like she’s not safe if you’re not in the room. Try designating a room where they can explore a little and play without your direct supervision. It’s a small adjustment, but it has a tremendous effect.
2. Don’t Avoid It
Learning about separation and reunion is an important milestone, so don’t just take the path of least resistance and stay with your child 24/7 until they’re seven years old. (It happens. Believe me.) Let them know that it’s okay to get upset when you leave and reassure them that you’ll always come back when you do. If there are some tears around it, that’s alright. This is an important concept that they need to adjust to.
3. Start Slow
Once your little one has started to demonstrate the understanding that they’ll be spending some time with someone besides a parent, make it a short outing. Don’t plan on dinner and a movie or an overnighter for the first few attempts.
4. Start With Someone Familiar
Kids typically do a little better being left with a grandparent or family friend who they’ve already spent some time with, and who they’ve grown to trust a little, so call in a favor, put some wine in the fridge, and plan to spend at least an hour away from the house for the first few tries.
5. Stick Around for a While
After your sitter, parent, friend, or whoever is watching your little one arrives, plan to hang around for half an hour or so. Seeing that this is someone you’re familiar with will go a long way in reassuring your child that they’re “good people” and worthy of their trust.
6. Face the Music
Many of us have, at least once, attempted to distract our toddlers and then sneak out the door without saying goodbye. After all, it’s the goodbye that provokes the reaction, right? But even if it provokes some tears, it’s important for your child to understand that you’re going to leave sometimes, and that you’ll be back when you say you will.
7. Establish a Routine
Much like bedtime, a solid, predictable goodbye routine helps your little one recognize and accept the situation. A set number of kisses and hugs, a memorable key phrase, and a clear indication of when you’ll be back should be just the right balance of short and reassuring.
8. Speak in Terms They’ll Understand
Instead of telling them how long you’ll be gone, tell them when you’ll be back in regards to their schedule. After nap time, before bed, after dinner, before bath time, and so on.
Nothing is going to prevent your child from getting a little bit upset when you leave, (and as I said before, thank the stars for that, because if they didn’t, oh your poor heart,) but you can definitely reduce the level of fussing.
Now, I should add here that these techniques are suggested for kids who are dealing with ordinary, everyday separation anxiety. There is also a condition called Separation Anxiety Disorder which is obviously more serious and warrants a trip to your pediatrician if you suspect your little one might be afflicted with it.
But for run-of-the-mill fit-pitching when you try to leave the house for an hour or two, these tips should go a long way towards remedying the problem. Be consistent, supportive, assertive, and calm. Before long, your child will understand the concept of you leaving and coming back.
In fact, this concept will also come in handy when you start to leave them alone in high school. “I’m leaving for the night, but rest assured, I’m coming back. So you just remember that before you invite your rowdy friends over.”
Sleep well!
