Who Should Put Baby to Bed?

I’m going to step a bit outside of my comfort zone for this post and do something I don’t typically do…

I’m going to speculate. 

I’m going to hypothesize. 

If you read my posts regularly, you know I’m a big believer in studies, data, and credible scientific fact, but today I’m going rogue. 

In many parental relationships, there is one parent who takes on the majority of the responsibilities when it comes to the kids. I’m not talking about the old-fashioned idea of, “Mom feeds, dresses, changes, teaches, nurtures, and raises the kids, while Dad goes to work and kisses them goodnight when he gets home in time.” But out of the families I’ve worked with, many have had one parent who takes on a little more of the baby-related responsibilities. It might be split 75/25 or 45/55, but there’s usually someone who has the role of primary caregiver. 

And that parent, more often than not, is also usually the one who handles two big things: feeding baby and putting baby to bed. 

If this sounds like you and you’re one of the millions of families who are trying to teach your little one how to fall asleep and sleep through the night, I’d like to offer one suggestion... 

I suggest you switch and assign the bedtime responsibilities to the parent who doesn’t typically handle the feeds. 

Here’s my reasoning, and again, this is not based on any peer-reviewed studies or data. It’s just a theory that I’ve come to believe after witnessing its effectiveness (not only in my own family, but in many others as well). 

Sleep struggles in babies over the age of six months old are overwhelmingly caused by reliance on 
a “sleep prop.” They are used to being rocked to sleep for naps and bedtimes, or taken for car rides or stroller rides, or they’re fed/nursed to sleep. 

Getting your baby to sleep through the night relies heavily on breaking that dependence on their sleep prop, so that when they wake up after a sleep cycle (which we all do, even as adults, several times a night) they can get back to sleep on their own. They don’t need to call for a parent or caregiver to come and feed them so they can doze off again. They develop the skills to go from awake to asleep all on their own. 

But like I say, that’s a skill, and skills take time to develop. So while they’re learning just how to do this, you’re typically in for a few nights where the baby’s going to be tired, but unable to get to sleep. They’re going to want that “prop” and they’re probably going to get frustrated that you won’t give them what they want.

It’s confusing, and understandably so. Personally, I need it to be nice and dark and have my favorite pillow in order to easily fall asleep. If someone changed that on me one night and didn’t explain why, I’d be pretty frustrated too. 

So what we’re aiming to do is minimize that confusion. We won’t be able to alleviate it completely on night one, but we can take it down a notch or two. And if your baby is typically nursed or bottle fed to sleep, then I strongly suggest you put the parent who doesn’t handle the feeds in charge of bedtime. 

If baby is in the habit of drifting off while eating, and the parent who usually feeds them is instead laying them down awake, the level of confusion and frustration is going to be heightened. Having the parent who doesn’t handle the feeding in the room is likely to get a little more protest initially, but because baby doesn’t associate that parent with eating or nursing, they tend to stop protesting sooner. 

So if you plan to begin teaching your baby some independent sleep skills, or you have already started but things aren’t going as well as you hoped, I’d encourage you to give this little trick a try. 

Now, this may feel a little unfair to the parent who’s got to take the lead. Teaching your baby how to sleep independently is no small chore. This can be challenging, stressful work. There’s probably going to be a few nights of protest, and whoever’s taking the reins here is almost certainly not going to be
 getting as much sleep as they need.  

But the good news is, it’s temporary pain for major long-term gain. Once your baby learns this new skill, it can be absolutely life-changing, and I mean that literally. So many families I’ve worked with have told me that just the ability to leave their baby with a sitter meant they could spend some time together, reconnect, and see each other as romantic partners again instead of just parents. 

Add that to the fact that you feel like a fully-functioning human being after getting a good night’s sleep again, it means that you, your 
partner, and your baby will all reap the benefits from the sleep-filled nights and long daytime naps. 

So for now, focus on what’s working or what isn’t, and discuss with your partner about a strategy that may help the entire family get better rest sooner rather than later. You can always balance the scales once baby (and you both) is sleeping through the night.

Sleep well!