Sleep Perfectionism & Easing Anxiety
As a parent, it’s second nature to want what’s best for your child. This includes their sleep, especially if you have worked your tail off to establish healthy sleep habits and are recouping some of your own sleep! But I wanted to talk about a very real and common issue that comes up frequently for parents: sleep perfectionism.
Many parents find themselves trying to achieve this unattainable “perfect” sleep for their child, which in turn can take the normal irregularities of baby sleep and fuel stress and anxiety. Instead of relaxing and taking a much needed break during naptime, some parents are a nervous wreck the entire time, obsessing over the clock & monitor, and worrying that the nap isn’t as long as it’s “supposed” to be.
Truthfully, there is no such thing as perfect sleep for any of us. We all have our good nights and bad, no matter what age we are. Sometimes we can easily fall asleep for a mid afternoon nap, and other times we struggle. Fully accepting and understanding this is the first step in freeing yourself from the weight of sleep perfectionism.
Whenever I’m personally having a rough sleep day in my house, I always pause and remind myself: “This is normal, this is also not forever.” Then I can move forward and plan to move up next naptime or bedtime if needed. Here are a few other strategies that can help if you relate to feeling stress and anxiety around sleep for your family:
1) Understand the sleep pattern of infants & young children
Newborns do not begin following regular sleep/wake cycles until they are about 3 months old. It takes time to develop their own circadian rhythms and adjust to life outside! Know that irregular sleep is perfectly normal in the beginning and it in no way, shape or form, reflects on your competency as a parent.
Same with older babies & toddlers. There are huge periods of development that naturally lead to changes and transitions in their sleep patterns. Dropping naps or riding out certain regressions can take WEEKS and the best way to make it through is staying as consistent as you can while allowing the time needed for them to adjust.
2) Create a consistent bedtime routine
Babies and children alike thrive on routines. Stick with a relaxing bedtime routine that will signal to your child that it’s time to wind down and go to sleep. This commonly involves a warm bath and then cuddling up for some stories and songs. Consistency is more important than perfection. Your goal is simply to create a safe, soothing environment that encourages sleep.
3) Utilize the “pause”
A technique that many sleep experts recommend is the “pause.” Meaning when your baby wakes, stirs, or makes some noise, just pause for a few minutes before rushing in. Giving them that space to try and figure it out on their own is your baby practicing self-soothing and potentially getting back to sleep on their own. As your baby gets more proficient at self-soothing, you’ll likely feel much less sleep-related anxiety.
4) Limit Screen Time for Babies
Not to sound like a broken record, but the blue light emitted from electronics can interfere with that delicate sleep-wake cycle you are working so hard to help your little one with! Try limiting their exposure to screens, particularly in the evenings leading up to bedtime. This is a perfect time to focus on some one-on-one playtime, reading stories, and bonding.
5) Practice Self-Care
Caring for babies and young children is challenging and demanding. It’s crucial you don’t forget to take care of yourself too! And before you instantly jump in and say you don’t have time for that, you can keep it simple. A short walk, a relaxing bath, reading a book, or taking a minute to practice meditation or mindfulness can go a long way in this crazy season of life. Sleep interruptions are less likely to escalate into anxiety when you carve out some calm and relaxing moments for yourself.
6) Ask for Support and/or Find Your People
Support looks different for everyone. Some are able to lean into their partner/parent/good friend for some help. Some parents may really benefit from working 1:1 with a sleep consultant and learning more about sleep from an individualized approach. Others may find they need to speak with their Dr. and get some resources for PPA/PPD (not a sign of weakness!).
Also, connecting with other parents who are experiencing similar challenges can be comforting. You will learn you aren’t alone in any child rearing struggles! Local parent groups can be an excellent source for reassurance, a different perspective, or advice and insight from other seasoned parents. Never forget, it’s ok to ask for help. Again, it’s not a sign of weakness or that you are not the best parent for your child.
It’s easy for a journey towards a better rested family to slide into sleep perfectionism, which only amplifies stress and anxiety. Perfection is a myth - in sleep, in motherhood, and just about everything else. You are doing a great job even if your child’s sleep isn’t perfect. Ditch the idea of perfection, and you’ll find both you and your baby can have more restful nights.
And if you need some support or someone else to add to your village, I’m always here!
